Dicks and Doughnuts (recipe)
TL;DR – My friends are dicks and here’s a fab doughnut recipe.
Thick and Fluffy Doughnuts
- 460 g all-purpose flour t-500 or t-450
- 150 ml cream or 100ml heavy cream & 50ml whole milk
- 100 ml water tepid
- 1 large egg room temp
- 60 g sugar
- 60 g European-style butter melted
- 5 g salt
- 1 tsp vanilla extract
- 10 g dry instant yeast
- If your bread maker/machine has a "dough setting", use the bread machine method. If not, see stand mixer/manual instructions below in 'Notes'.
- Method – bread machine:
- Join the water, cream and vanilla extract, then add the melted butter. Pour into bread machine pan.
- In a small bowl, add the sugar to the egg and beat well. Pour the egg and sugar into bread machine pan.
- Add the flour into the pan, covering the wet ingredients.
- Place the salt into the CORNERS of the bread machine pan. (So it doesn’t immediately mix with the yeast.)
- Lightly dig a shallow well in the middle of the flour, without reaching the wet ingredients. Pour the dry instant yeast in the well.
- Set your machine to “dough” and let it do its thing.
- When the dough has proofed (about 2 to 3 hours if you’re not using a bread machine), turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface and roll out to about 1 cm (less than ½ incthickness.
- Cut out 10 to 15 doughnuts (depending on the size of cutter you use).
- Let proof for at least 30 minutes. Turn over and let the other side proof for another 30 minutes. The longer the proof, the better.
- If using a deep fryer, set to 170°Drop the doughnuts in, one or two at a time, top side down. (The last side to proof is the first to hit the oil.) Fry one side until golden, about 15 seconds, then turn over. Fry other side until golden, about 10 seconds. Remove from fryer and lay on paper towel.
- If frying on a stove, measure the oil temp if you can or set to medium-high and keep a couple of pieces of dough left over from the doughnuts to test the oil. If the dough bubbles lightly in the oil and turns golden over 10 seconds, you’re good to go. If there are too many bubbles and the dough browns within 10 seconds or less, your oil is too hot. If there aren’t any bubbles, the oil isn’t hot enough.
- Pour the instant yeast into the tepid water and add a pinch of sugar. Let sit for 15 to 20 minutes.
- Pour the flour and sugar into a large bowl and mix. Make a well in the middle.
- Add the cream, melted butter, whisked egg, and vanilla extract into the well.
- Add the salt to the flour around the edges of the bowl.
- Add the water and yeast to the middle with the other wet ingredients. Start mixing, on slow. If using a stand mixer, use a dough hook and mix on medium setting for about 5 to 10 minutes, until the dough is smooth and tacky, but even. If mixing manually, start from the middle and work your way to the edges of the bowl, then knead slowly and gently for 5 minutes until dough is smooth and even, but still tacky.
- For following steps, see steps 7 to 9 in the method above.
Full recipe (includes life story, baking tips, and swearing):
Unpopular opinion: I don’t much like the vast majority of so-called food bloggers. My reason for disliking this particular group of people is that they fail, far more often than not, to share recipes in any way that might make it remotely possible for a normal human to recreate them in an average kitchen.
So food bloggers are, for the most part, attention-seeking dildos. If anyone reading this happens to be a food blogger and finds this offensive… well, then, go ride a pumpkin, Cinderella, because the shoe seems to fit just right, don’t it?
Unlike the dildos that write about food, my friends are just plain dicks. No, my friends are not food bloggers. But they are fast turning me into a food blogger, hence they must be dicks. Who else could possibly want to read yet another food blog by yet another privileged middle-aged woman?
So, while I go legally change my name to Karen, you recipe-seeking twats, you can all go ahead and try making delish doughnuts at home, because we know lockdown has us all craving some.
If this recipe doesn’t turn out right in your kitchen, it’s probably my fault and I haven’t explained something well enough. Please feel free to hunt me down on social networks or email firstname.lastname@example.org for a full explanation and apology. Ask for the manager.